Mennonite Central Committee

It’s just part of him

by Cathy

An introduction to the poem

I had many inklings over the years that what I was experiencing in my marriage might be termed “domestic violence”: comments from friends; raised eyebrows; rolling of the eyes; concerned questions.  But everything I read about domestic violence put the description in mostly physical terms.  And even the descriptions of verbal abuse were more extreme that what I experienced.  What I did know was that I felt “unsafe” and emotionally guarded, and had felt so for years. My body knew; our bodies always know, I am told.

It was a blessing in disguise, I now realize, that as I began to slowly move out of the marriage, the violence escalated to the point that the police had to be brought in and charges laid.  The no-contact orders, which removed from me the responsibility of placing emotional boundaries, were a welcome relief (felt in my body).

The police charges referred me to counselling specifically for domestic violence, when more insight came:  the very gradual nature of the abuse, so one constantly adjusts and no longer knows what “normal” is; the gender-based nature of the violence: men don’t “do it” to other men; I had already noticed the dichotomy between behaviour at work and behaviour at home.   All this meant:  violence is a chosen behaviour, supported by a culture that excuses male outbursts and condemns the female coping mechanisms. It is a gender question; it is a question of justice.

 

It’s just part of him

“It’s just part of him”
they protest.
“He has no choice
It’s his personality.”

So,
we ask:
Does he “do it” at work?
In front of colleagues
And administrative assistants?
Throw chairs?
Give people the finger?

And does he “do it”
To his male friends
(at least: to their faces?)
Call them “f…g  b...es”?

And would he have rammed the truck
if a cop car
had been sitting just down the street?

Or
Is  “it” reserved
Just for a select few
And especially
One select one
The one
He says
He loves most in all the world?

Copyright reserved by author, through MCC.
Permission granted to print single copy for personal use.

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