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Why Would Someone Hurt a Child?
“Why would someone hurt a child?” Is a question frequently asked of me, as the coordinator of Voices for Non-Violence, an abuse prevention, education and advocacy program, here at MCC Manitoba. Often it is only after her child is abused will a wife choose to remove herself and her children from the family home. In many cases, she will take the abuse if it is only directed at herself, but cannot endure abuse directed at one of her children by the same person who has abused her for years. With assistance, mothers can see that children witnessing spousal abuse are also damaged by it. Realizing that for a child to witness their parent being abused converts to that child suffering from the abuse as well, is the catalyst for a parent to leave the unhealthy environment. There is no excuse for abusing a child. No child understands being abused; being hit, yelled at, slapped, or sexually-violated. It is beyond their understanding why someone whom they should have been able to trust is treating them so abominably. Adults use excuses, such as: “My child doesn’t obey me,” or “If only my baby wouldn’t cry all the time, I wouldn’t have to “spank” it.” Another excuse parents sometimes use to strike their children is their own misunderstanding of Scripture and what it tells parents about disciplining children. Instead of following the example Jesus modelled for humanity, they choose to abuse their children, calling it discipline. When clergy, counsellors, youth leaders or teachers abuse children, the trust aspect of a child’s psyche is damaged, sometimes permanently. Several things happen to children if they have been abused: They may become extremely angry, rebellious as teenagers ,and abusive to their own children as parents. Or they may lose their self-esteem, become very quiet, and never think much of themselves as adults. Other victims suppress their feelings as children, and later on, as adults, succumb to addictions, such as alcohol, illegal drugs, pornography, eating disorders, and gambling, as non-helpful ways to deal with the underlying after-effects of abuse. Some parents, who have been abused as children become paranoid that their own children will be abused, and treat all other adults with suspicion, as potential abusers. They protect their children to a fault, often to the point where the children have no freedom to be away from their parents. The root of this control is fear; fear that what happened to them as children will happen to their own children. For some parents, who were child victims of abuse, the decision is made that history will not repeat itself, and they do everything they can to deal with their own experiences of abuse, and commit to not repeating the mistakes adults made in their lives. Their determination not to harm their own children allows the cycle of violence to stop. There is no answer to the question “Why would someone hurt a child?” People who choose to hurt a child (it is always a choice), require extensive therapy to deal with their own root causes for their need to have power and control over helpless children, and their need to cause life-long harm to other human beings. At times incarceration for their crimes may be the only way that pedophiles can really see themselves as child abusers. Most often, even following incarceration, child abusers find ways to blame others for their crimes. A child abuser is responsible for his or her own behaviour! From the perspective of this program, preventative maintenance is the key to stopping child abuse. Couples contemplating marriage must be educated about what abuse is, and how to prevent it from occurring in their homes. Children need to be taught how to recognize abuse, and not place themselves in places where they could possibly be hurt. Parenting classes in our church communities is another preventative measure against child abuse. Church leaders who model positive family experiences and hold accountable the people who have behaved abusively, while supporting victims, will help prevent further child abuse. To answer the question, “Why would someone abuse a child?” the only answer is: for their own perverse personal gain. People who abuse other people feel that they have the right to treat others badly. It is a part of their personal belief system. A person who harms a child requires specific counselling for people who are abusive. There is hope for those who recognize these tendencies in themselves, and take measures to stop these destructive behaviours – preferably prior to actually harming a child. For the child who has been abused, victim’s counselling can help. Call the nearest MCC office for information regarding this type of resource.
Jane Woelk,
Coordinator, Top |
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